|The Fairly OddParents episode transcript|
|"The Big Problem!"|
|Airdate:||March 30, 2001|
- [Bugle playing Reveille is heard. Timmy is asleep, snoring]
Wanda: Ready, Cosmo?
Cosmo: Ready, Wanda.
Cosmo and Wanda: 1, 2, 3!
- [Cosmo goes over to Timmy's bed]
Cosmo: Wakey-wakey, Timmy!
- [Cosmo turns into a clock] [Ring!]
Timmy: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [Cosmo (as a clock) disappears, POOF!]
Wanda: Come on, little fella, even though we're [Timmy goes up in the air] your fairy godparents... [Cosmo is floating above Timmy's bed holding a toothbrush and toothpaste. Next to him is Timmy's clothes floating]
Cosmo : ...we don't need our magic to tell us [Timmy flies into his clothes and Cosmo brushes Timmy's teeth and cleans out his ears] that you are in for a boring, ordinary day of school.
Timmy: Yippee.. [Cut to Dimmsdale Elementary School] [School Bell rings]
Francis: [Holding up an item of Timmy's and Timmy is trying to jump and get it] Ha-ha. You'd be able to reach this if you weren't so puny. [Cut to Football field] [Whistle blows]
Coach: Welcome to Football tryouts! Listen up for your positions. Tailback?
#0 Player: Yes, sir!
#99 Player: Yes, sir!
Timmy (1/4): Huh? [Coach rolls Timmy up into a ball and players punch and dive for him, cut to Timmy walking on the sidewalk to go home] I can't wait to go home. [Timmy (with a chunk of football field on his head) heads up the walkway to his house] At least I'm big in my parents' eyes. [Timmy walks through his front door]
Mr. Turner: Hey, short stuff, guess what? We're going to the movies.
Timmy: All right!
Mr. Turner: Not "we're" as in all of us, "we're" as in your mom and I.
- [Mr. Turner pulls in a chalkboard]
Mr. Turner: You're not old enough to go to this movie, and we're not taking you. [talking to Mrs. Turner] Ain't pronouns a kick? [Mr. and Mrs. Turner laugh. Meanwhile, Cosmo and Wanda appear. Cosmo turns into a jackhammer and hammers away the chunk of football field sitting on Timmy's head while Wanda turns into a brush and brushes the dirt off Timmy's hair. They poof away unnoticed. Mr Turner is still laughing]
Mrs. Turner: Honey, cheer up. You'll get into those movies someday. Why, soon you won't even need a babysitter.
Mr. Turner: Yup, but tonight you do! Hey, pronouns again! [Doorbell rings. Cut to a wind blowing out a candle. Cut to a wolf on a rock howling at the moon. Cut to Cosmo and Wanda as goldfish]
Cosmo [talking to Wanda]: Oh, no. The baby-sitter! [Front door opens, thunder and lightning strikes outside]
Vicky: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Turner. It's me, Vicky. [Flowers scream and die]
Wanda [talking to Cosmo]: You can't spell "Vicky" without "icky."
Mr. Turner: We'll be back really late, so just tuck Timmy in, okay?
Vicky: I'll take care of the little darling like he was my own cash and blood. [Vicky grabs Timmy by the throat] Have a fun time at the movies. Bye! [Door closes] All right, twerp, [Vicky drops Timmy] time for bed!
Timmy: But it's only 6:04.
Vicky: Well, it's 9:04 on the east coast. BED! [Timmy is sent to his bedroom and a beep is heard and it's 6:05]
Cosmo: Now it's 9:05 on the east coast!
Wanda: Cheer up, Timmy, you're only gonna be little for a little while.
Timmy: Well, being little stinks. I'll bet it will be great to be an adult. [Cut to Timmy's image of being an adult] When I'm big, I'll get what I want, when I want. [Pan to older Timmy helping old lady] I'll help little old ladies cross the street.
Old Lady: Oh. [Honking] Thanks, older Timmy.
Timmy: I'm not going to take any crud from bullies.
Francis: [Gets beaten up by older Timmy] Yikes!
A.J. and Chester: Yay, older Timmy!
Timmy: And I won't even need a babysitter.
Vicky: [Is unemployed, sitting on the curb and reading off her cardboard sign] Will babysit for food.
Older Timmy: [Prepares to give Vicky some help, but fakes out.] Psych. [laughing]
Vicky: Blast you, older Timmy! [Vicky coughes, then cut back to real life as Timmy finishes his daydreaming]
Wanda: It sounds like being older’ll be a hoot!
Timmy: Yeah, and I don’t even have to wait! ‘Cause I’ve got fairy godparents! Okay, you guys, I wish I was older!
- [Cosmo and Wanda turn Timmy into an adult, MATURE! Not like how he imagined himself.]
Timmy: (deeper voice) Well, how do I look?
Cosmo and Wanda: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.
- [Timmy checks how he looks in the mirror]
Timmy: "Ew" is right! I don't have any hair!
Wanda: Sure you do! It’s here on your back.
- [Wanda pulls Timmy's shirt back, revealing his back full of hair]
Timmy: That’s just creepy! I wish I had a full head of hair.
- [Cosmo and Wanda tries to do the wish, but nothing happens. Da Rules appears and Cosmo opens it. Wanda reads.]
Wanda: Sorry, Timmy. According to Da Rules, fairy godparents only grant wishes to kids!
Timmy: Really? Hmm.. It doesn’t mean you still can’t pal around with me, right?
Cosmo: Not that we know of.
Timmy: Cool, let’s go do adult stuff!
Cosmo: Okay, like what?
- [Cut to a highway, Timmy's car is stopped in the middle of a traffic jam. Cosmo and Wanda are hanging from the mirror as fuzzy dice]
Wanda: I'm carsick.
Cosmo: I'm Cosmo!
- [Cut to the street from Timmy's illusion. An old lady stands at the sidewalk as cars go along the street. Timmy goes to her and grabs her arm]
Timmy:' Hello, little old lady. May I help you cross the street?
- [She pulls a can of mace, says no to Timmy, and sprays him with it]
- [The lady throws the mace at him and crosses the street]
Wanda: You know, Timmy, when a kid helps an old lady cross the street, it’s kind of cute.
Cosmo: But when an adult does it, it’s just plain creepy.
Timmy: Fine! There’s still other fun things adults can do!
- [Cut to a movie theater. Timmy is there, watching the movie O.S., as the light of the movie flickers on his face]
Timmy: Finally, I can see a grown up movie!
- [Timmy sees a guy and a girl kissing on screen]
Timmy: Ew, gross! A-Adults making out!
- [The screen pans to Timmy’s Mom and Dad, kissing in the same way the couple on the movie screen were.]
Dad: You know, I bet Timmy would think this is gross.
- [They kiss again. Cut to Timmy.]
Timmy: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! It burns!
- [Cut to a men's room. Timmy holds a disposable razor while Cosmo and Wanda watches]
Timmy: Shaving will be fun!
- [Timmy walks off the screen. The razor is hurting Timmy. RRIIIP!]
- [Cosmo and Wanda wince. Timmy walks back on screen, face littered with scratches and band-aids. Cosmo grabs a bottle of cologne from the sink.]
Cosmo: Try some manly cologne!
- [Timmy takes the bottle and walks off screen. A slap is heard]
Timmy: AHHHHHHH!!! They call this soothing?
- [Cut to The Fancy Restaurant.]
Timmy: Oh, I'm hungry.
Cosmo: I got an idea. Maybe if you ate some adult food, you'd have better luck thinking like an adult!
Wanda: Great idea, puddin'!
Cosmo: I'm chock full of 'em.
- [Cosmo and Wanda laugh. Cut to inside the restaurant.]
Timmy: The grown-up menu. For grown-ups like me!
- [The waiter gives Timmy the menu. Cut to Timmy's table as it is full of empty dishes and half eaten food. The waiter gives Timmy a bill]
Timmy: What's this?
Waiter: The bill.
Timmy: That goes to my... [looks around] ...parents.
Waiter: Very amusing, sir, that'll be 265 dollars.
Timmy: What? That's more than I get in allowance!! I mean... that's more than I make in a month.
Waiter: Well, you should have finished college.
Timmy: Did you finish college?
Waiter: [cries emotionally] No! Why do you think I'm a waiter?! WAAAAHH!!!!
- [Cut to the kitchen. Timmy is tired and exhausted while washing dishes to pay off his debt.]
Timmy: Couldn’t you guys magically clean these?
Wanda: Nope! Adults have to do everything all by themselves!
- [Cosmo finishes eating and Timmy sinks down. The scene cuts to the Turners' house, Timmy is exhausted with Cosmo and Wanda as dogs.]
Timmy: So tired.
- [Cut to the living room. Vicky is reading "Handsome Jerk Monthly". The door is open with old Timmy. Vicky doesn't recognize him. She screams, inhales deeply, pulls out a big gray powerful whistle and blows it, while giving old Timmy quick karate kicks.]
- [Timmy flies out the door, which Vicky slams shut. Old Timmy is holding his stomach]
Timmy: Ooof! Oh, man. Booted out of my own house!
- [The scene cuts to the Turners' front door from inside. Vicky cockily slaps her hands together.]
Vicky: Nobody gets rid of creeps like Vicky.
- [As she says "Vicky", a CANARY keels over and swings from its perch upside down and squawks.]
Vicky: Hmmm. Timmy hasn’t said anything since I sent him to bed. The brat’s usually whimpering with the hunger by now.
- [The scene cuts to Timmy outside the door. Timmy looks long at his house]
Timmy: Aw, man? What good is being big if I can’t even go to my own home? Come on. I know where we can still go.
- [Timmy exits the scene. Cut to Timmy's room, the door is opened by Vicky. She sees the bed empty and the window is open]
Vicky: AH! He’s gone! Something could have happened to him! Or worse, something could happen to me because something happened to him!
- [Vicky looks through the window to find the Turners' car coming]
Vicky: His parents are home! Need time to find the punk.
Mrs. Turner: Vicky? [something crashes] It's us!
Mr. Turner: Timmy's loving parents.
- [Vicky grabs a bunch of Timmy's clothes, and puts them under the blanket, and picks up a basketball, resting it on the pillow. She puts Timmy's hat on the ball]
Mr. Turner: Aw...look at that big, orange, basketball-shaped head of his sleeping. Good night, Timmy!
- [Mr. Turner pats the basketball, and the sound of the basketball being dribbled is heard. Vicky backs off slowly]
Vicky: Well...uhh...good night!
- [Cut to the schoolyard at night. Timmy, who's beaten and tired starts falling asleep on the benches, while Cosmo and Wanda turn into a pillow and blanket]
Timmy: I can’t make wishes. I can’t sleep in my own bed. I didn’t know being an adult would be so hard.
Wanda: Aww, it’s okay, sweetie. Tomorrow will be better.
Cosmo: We don't know. Ow-eee!
- [Wanda elbows Cosmo for letting Timmy know they are clueless. The scene cuts to the morning, Timmy wakes up seeing Francis bullying Chester and AJ, plucking them in the back of their heads with his huge finger]
Chester: Ow, Francis, that's my only head!
Francis: Heh, heh, heh.
- [Francis laughs]
Timmy: Finally! This looks like a job for...
Cosmo and Wanda: ...older Timmy!
- [Timmy walks up to Francis' back and plucks him in the head]
Timmy: Pluck on somebody your own size!
- [Francis is mad at adult Timmy. He notices two cops in the distance, smiles. He does a fake cry alerting the cops, instantly looking to the school yard. Timmy runs away to the park. Timmy is out of breath, while Cosmo and Wanda hides him by turning into two big shrubs. The cops get past the shrubs. A fairy messenger arrives.]
Messenger: Fairy gram for Cosmo and Wanda.
Cosmo: I'm Cosmo and Wanda!
Messenger: Now that your kid is big and hairy, your next assignment is mean and scary.
- [The messenger waves his wand, showing a kid through some sort of view portal, smacking his doll against a brick]
Kid: Man, I wish I had some Fairy Godparents to knock around, instead of this stupid doll! [The head of the doll pops off and rolls offscreen] Whoa. The head fell off. [BEAT] Awesome!
Wanda: You mean we're being reassigned?
Messenger: [laughs, catches self] I mean, yes. And we’re all very sorry.
Cosmo: [Nervous] Uh, can we have a couple of hours to say goodbye to Timmy?
Messenger: Can I have five dollars?
- [Timmy gives the messenger five dollars]
Messenger: Two hours.
- [The messenger disappears. CA-CHING!]
Timmy: What's goin' on? You said you just couldn't grant me any more wishes. I didn't know you’d have to leave me, too!
Cosmo: We didn’t know that either. Apparently the other thing I’m chock full of is not knowing stuff!
Timmy: Hey, what if I acted like a kid again? I could wish myself back to normal and you guys wouldn’t have to leave!
- [Da Rules appear, Wanda checks it out]
Wanda: I don't see anything that says you can't--
- [Da Rules is closed]
Cosmo: I smell loophole! We’ll discuss it at the next Fairy convention! Come on, Timmy!
Wanda: Ooh, let's find your inner child!
- [Cut to a mini golf course. Timmy is using Wanda as a putter, and Cosmo as a golf ball]
Cosmo: Miniature golf is a great kid’s game!
- [Timmy bends over to strike the ball. His back is thrown out]
Timmy: Ow! My back!
- [Wanda puts a thermometer in Timmy's ears. It measures his age by "Kid", "Adult" and "More of an Adult", and the mercury moves from "Adult" to "More of an Adult"]
Wanda: Let me try the Age-O-Meter. Kid…adult…oh no! You’ll become even more of an adult!
Cosmo: We gotta resort to the head of artilerry!
- [Cut to a store. Timmy is riding a kids rocket ship ride. A father and his daughter looks at it as it collapses from Timmy's weight. His daughter points and laughs]
Father: That’s just plain creepy.
- [The fairy messenger appears again]
Messenger: Time to go.
Wanda: Can we have two more hours with Timmy?
Messenger: Can I have five more dollars?
- [Timmy gives him five dollars. The messenger disappears, SCAM!]
Timmy: Come on! We gotta get me younger! I’m running out of fives!
- [Cut to another place. A flyer with Timmy's picture and "Have you seen this twerp" is on a post. Vicky is giving out these flyers to people]
Vicky: [Handing out posters] Have you seen this twerp? Have you seen this twerp? Have you seen this twerp? Have you seen this twerp?
- [Timmy goes behind her as he sees her]
Timmy: Vicky! I’ve never been so happy to see you in my--- Actually, I’ve never been happy to see you.
- [Vicky pulls out her powerful whistle and blows it. She busts Timmy with the same karate moves she used the last night]
- [Timmy is kicked by Vicky again. The police grabbed him.]
Cop: You are one creepy adult. We got a place for guys like you.
- [Cut to a jail. Timmy is in a jail cell, terrified while Cosmo and Wanda are floating next to him with their bags packed.]
Wanda: Aw, sweetie, we tried.
Cosmo: Look at it this way! Meals don’t cost $265 here!
- [The cop arrives. Cosmo turns into a toilet, and Wanda turns to a sink. The cop gives Timmy a phone]
Cop: One phone call, creep.
- [Timmy takes the phone]
Timmy: Mom? Its me! Timmy!
- [Cut to Timmy's living room. Mrs Turner is holding the phone, cupping the receiver]
Mrs Turner: Honey, It’s some old guy calling me from jail! He says he’s Timmy!
Mr Turner: That’s creepy. And inaccurate! We know that Timmy was taken to school by his loving baby sitter, Vicky.
- [A mirror in the background shatters when "Vicky" was said. The scene cuts back to the jail. Timmy is looking at the receiver much to his horror]
Timmy: They didn’t believe me! [starting to cry] I don’t want to be grown up!
- [Timmy hunches over and starts sobbing. Cosmo and Wanda change back. The messenger appears]
Messenger: Okay! Chop-chop! Somebody in this room has to go help the new kid!
Timmy: What? No-o-o-o! I’ve lost my home, my hair and now my godparents?! THIS STINKS! I don’t want to be an adult yet! I want my Mom and Dad!!! WAAAAAAAAAHAHAH!!!!!! [sobbing hysterically]
- [Wanda smiles. She puts the Age-O-Meter in Timmy's ear and it moved back to "Kid"]
Wanda: Oh, Timmy, wanting your Mom and Dad is making you a kid inside!
Cosmo: Quick, make a wish!
Timmy: I wish I was a kid again!
- [Cosmo and Wanda turns Timmy back into his kid self. He is no longer an adult]
Timmy: I'm puny again! Whoohoo!
Cosmo and Wanda: And we get to stay with Timmy!
Wanda: [to the messenger] In your face!
Messenger: Well, someone in here has to get assigned to that mean little....Darn it!
- [KARMA! The messenger disappears to the kid's living room, who is holding him in one hand and the headless doll in the other]
Kid: Finally! [beat] Does your head pop off?
Messenger: It's not supposed to.
- [Cut back to the jail. The cop returns, seeing Timmy in his cell, also other prisoners are looking from their cells]
Cop: What happened to that big, fat, creepy, bald guy?
Timmy: Uh, parole?
Cop: Well, jail’s for creepy adults, not kids! Let’s get you out of here!
- [The door opens for Timmy. He walks down the hallway past the prisoners who start crying]
Prisoners: We want our mommies and daddies toooooo. Wahhhhhhhhhhh....
Timmy: It’s great to be back to normal. Being a kid rocks! I’d rather be a shrimp than a hairy prisoner any day!
Cop: Hey, me too!
- [Cut to a front desk at the police station. Vicky is filling out a missing person's report to a staff sergeant. Timmy goes behind her]
Vicky: Officer, he’s a twerp, you know…and I can’t find him. He’s about this high. [She picks up Timmy's hat to show it to the sergeant] And he’s got a stupid little pink hat, like this. And he’s got a nasally little voice like--
Timmy: Hi Vicky!
- [A cop car smashes through the wall when he said "Vicky"]
Vicky: Twerp! I’m safe! Uh…I mean you’re safe. Which means I’m safe!
- [Cut to the schoolyard. Francis is holding Timmy's hat over his head again. Other kids watch this. Cosmo and Wanda are disguised as birds in a nest, watching Timmy]
Francis: Ha, you’re just a shrimp! A puny little shrimp!
Timmy: I sure am, Francis. And I’m not in any hurry to grow up. Best of all, I got all my hair... and none of its on my back!
- [Francis looks at his back, to see some black hair sticking out of his shirt]
Chester and AJ: Eeeeeewwwww.
- [Timmy pulls out a shaving kit and some shaving cream for Francis]
Timmy: Here ya go.
Francis: Hey, shaving will be fun.
- [Francis walks off the screen. He gets hurt]
- [Timmy, Cosmo and Wanda are laughing at Francis. The screen fades out.]
- THE END