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The Fairly OddParents episode transcript
"The Big Problem!"
Season №: 1
Episode №: 1A
Airdate: March 30, 2001
Transcript List

This article is a transcript of the The Fairly OddParents episode, "The Big Problem!" from season 1, which aired on March 30, 2001.


Script

  • (Bugle playing Reveille is heard; Timmy is asleep, snoring; camera points to Cosmo and Wanda in fish form)
  • Wanda: Ready, Cosmo?
  • Cosmo: Ready, Wanda.
  • Cosmo and Wanda: 1, (turn to their fairy form) 2, 3!
  • Cosmo: (flies near Timmy) Wakey-wakey, Timmy!
  • (Cosmo turns into an alarm clock waking Timmy up as he screams; Cosmo poofs away as Timmy stopped screaming; Wanda flies near Timmy)
  • Wanda: Oh, come on, little fella, even though we're your (flies Timmy up in the air with her wand) fairy godparents...
  • [Cosmo is floating above Timmy's bed holding a toothbrush and toothpaste. Next to him is Timmy's clothes floating]
  • Cosmo: (as Timmy floats near his floating clothes; Cosmo holding a toothbrush and toothpaste) ...we don't need our magic to tell us (Timmy flies into his clothes and Cosmo brushes Timmy's teeth and cleans out his ears) that you are in for a boring, ordinary day of school.
  • Timmy: (not amused) Yippee.
  • (scene cuts to Dimmsdale Elementary School; school bell rings; Timmy while Chester and A.J. stands from behind tries to reach and get his hat from Francis)
  • Francis: Ha-ha. You'd be able to reach this if you weren't so puny.
  • (scene skips to Football Tryouts; whistle blows)
  • Coach: Welcome to Football tryouts! Listen up for your positions. Tailback?
  • #0 Player: Yes, sir!
  • Coach: Linebacker?
  • #99 Player: Yes, sir!
  • Coach: Ball?
  • Timmy (1/4): Huh?
  • (one of the team players grabs Timmy and throws him in the air like a football; another football player catches Timmy and slams him on the field ground; Timmy pops up with a chunk of football field)
  • (scene cuts to Timmy walking on the side walk in the late in the evening still having the football field on his head)
  • Timmy: I can't wait to go home. At least I'm big in my parents' eyes.
  • (Timmy walks through his front door)
  • Dad: (holding a magnifying glass) Hey, short stuff, guess what? (grabs a hold of his wife placing her near him) We're going to the movies!
  • Timmy: All right!
  • Dad: Not "we're" as in all of us, "we're" as in your mom and I.
  • Timmy: What?
  • (Dad pulls in a chalkboard; Mom underline the pronouns as Dad says what's on the board)
  • Mr. Turner: You're not old enough to go to this movie, and we're not taking you. (to Mrs. Turner) Ain't pronouns a kick?
  • (Mom and Dad laugh; as they do Cosmo and Wanda appear; Cosmo turns into a jackhammer and hammers away the chunk of football field sitting on Timmy's head while Wanda turns into a brush and brushes the dirt off Timmy's hair; they poof away unnoticed as the Turner's stopped laughing)
  • Mom: Honey, cheer up. You'll get into those movies someday. Why, soon you won't even need a babysitter.
  • Timmy: Really?
  • Dad: Yep, but tonight you do! Hey, pronouns again!
  • (doorbell rings; cut to a wind blowing out a candle; cut to a wolf on a rock howling at the moon; cut to Cosmo and Wanda as goldfish]
  • Cosmo (to Wanda) Oh, no. The babysitter!
  • (front door opens revealing Vicky; thunder and lightning strikes outside)
  • Vicky: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Turner. It's me, Vicky.
  • (flowers scream and die)
  • Wanda: (to Cosmo) You can't spell "Vicky" without "icky."
  • Dad: We'll be back really late, so just tuck Timmy in, okay?
  • Vicky: I'll take care of the little darling like he was my own cash and blood. (grabs Timmy by the throat) Have a fun time at the movies. Bye! (door closes) All right, twerp, (drops Timmy) time for bed!
  • Timmy: But it's only 6:04.
  • Vicky: Well, it's 9:04 on the east coast. BED!
  • (scene skips to Timmy's bedroom; his alarm clock beep and it's 6:05)
  • Cosmo: Now it's 9:05 on the east coast!
  • Wanda: Cheer up, Timmy, you're only gonna be little for a little while.
  • Timmy: Well, being little stinks. I'll bet it will be great to be an adult. (scene fades to Timmy's image of being an adult) When I'm big, I'm going to do I want, when I want. (pan to older Timmy helping old lady) I'll help little old ladies cross the street.
  • (older Timmy grabs a hold of the old lady)
  • Old Lady: Oh. (older Timmy jumps across the fast moving cars and lands the old lady on the other sidewalk) Thanks, older Timmy.
  • (scene shows Chester trying to get Timmy's hat from Francis)
  • Timmy: I'm not going to take any crud from bullies.
  • Francis: (gets his underwear pulled by older Timmy) Yikes!
  • A.J. and Chester: Yay, older Timmy!
  • (scene skips to older Timmy driving his car on the road)
  • Timmy: And I won't even need a babysitter.
  • Vicky: (unemployed; sitting on the curb and reading off her cardboard sign) Will babysit for food.
  • (older Timmy drives back and plant a coin on Vicky's cup, but fakes out)
  • Older Timmy: Psych! (laughs and drives away)
  • Vicky: Blast you, older Timmy! (Vicky coughs as the car dust cut back to real life as Timmy finishes his daydreaming)
  • Wanda: It sounds like being older’ll be a hoot!
  • Timmy: Yeah, and I don’t even have to wait! ‘Cause I’ve got fairy godparents! Okay, you guys, I wish I was older!
  • (Cosmo and Wanda wave their wands turning Timmy into an adult, (MATURE) yet, it's not what was imagined)
  • Timmy: (deeper voice) Well, how do I look?
  • Cosmo and Wanda: Ew.
  • Timmy: (checks how he looks in the mirror) "Ew" is right! I don't have any hair!
  • Wanda: Sure you do! (pulls up Timmy's shirt) It’s here on your back.
  • (gross screenshot of Timmy's back hair)
  • Timmy: That’s just creepy! I wish I had a full head of hair.
  • (Cosmo and Wanda tries to do the wish; raspberry noise is heard; Da Rules appears and Cosmo opens it; Wanda reads)
  • Wanda: Sorry, Timmy. According to Da Rules, fairy godparents only grant wishes to kids.
  • Timmy: Really? Hmm.. It doesn’t mean you still can’t pal around with me, right?
  • Cosmo: Not that we know of.
  • Timmy: Cool, let’s go do adult stuff!
  • Cosmo: Okay! Like what?
  • Timmy: Driving!
  • (scene cuts to a highway, Timmy's car is stopped in the middle of a traffic jam; Cosmo and Wanda are hanging from the mirror as fuzzy dice)
  • Wanda: I'm carsick.
  • Cosmo: I'm Cosmo!
  • (scene skips to the street from Timmy's illusion; an old lady stands at the sidewalk as cars go along the street; Timmy goes to her and grabs her arm)
  • Timmy:' Hello, little old lady. May I help you cross the street?
  • (she pulls a can of mace and sprays Timmy's face with it; throws the mace at his forehead and walks out)
  • Wanda: (as she and Cosmo flies near Timmy) You know, Timmy, when a kid helps an old lady cross the street, it’s kind of cute.
  • Cosmo: But when an adult does it, it’s just plain creepy.
  • Timmy: Fine! There’s still other fun things adults can do!
  • (scene skips to a movie theater Timmy watching the movie O.S., as the light of the movie flickers on his face)
  • Timmy: Finally, I can see a grown up movie!
  • (Timmy sees a man and a woman kissing on screen)
  • Timmy: Ew, gross! Adults making out!
  • (he screen pans to Timmy’s parents, kissing in the same way the couple on the movie screen were.)
  • Dad: You know, I bet Timmy would think this is gross.
  • (they kiss again; screen points to Timmy)
  • Timmy: Aah! It burns!
  • (scene cut to a men's room; Timmy holds a disposable razor while Cosmo and Wanda watches)
  • Timmy: Shaving will be fun!
  • (Timmy walks off the screen. The razor is hurting Timmy (RRIIIP!); Timmy screams in pain)
  • (Cosmo and Wanda wince; Timmy walks back on screen, face littered with scratches and band-aids; Cosmo grabs a bottle of cologne from the sink)
  • Cosmo: Try some manly cologne.
  • (Timmy takes the bottle and walks off screen; a slap is heard as Timmy off-screen screams)
  • Timmy: They call this soothing?
  • (scene fades a fancy restaurant; (chem foode)
  • Timmy: Oh, I'm hungry.
  • Cosmo: I got an idea. Maybe if you ate some adult food, you'd have better luck thinking like an adult.
  • Wanda: Great idea, puddin'!
  • Cosmo: I'm chock full of 'em!
  • (Cosmo and Wanda laugh; scene skips to the inside of the restaurant.)
  • Waiter: Sir?
  • Timmy: The grown-up menu, for grown-ups like me!
  • (the waiter gives Timmy the menu; scene skips to Timmy's table as it is full of empty dishes and half eaten food; the waiter gives Timmy a bill)
  • Timmy: What's this?
  • Waiter: The bill.
  • Timmy: (points) That goes to my... (screen points to two empty chairs) ...parents.
  • Waiter: Very amusing, sir, that'll be 265 dollars.
  • Timmy: What? That's more than I get in allowance! I mean... that's more than I make in a month.
  • Waiter: Well, you should have finished college.
  • Timmy: Did you finish college?
  • Waiter: (cries emotionally) No! Why do you think I'm a waiter?! (cries)
  • (scene cuts to the kitchen; Timmy is tired and exhausted while washing dishes to pay off his debt)
  • Timmy: Couldn’t you guys magically clean these?
  • Wanda: Nope. Adults have to do everything all by themselves.
  • (Cosmo finishes eating and Timmy sinks down; the scene cuts to an exhausted Timmy walking in the sidewalks with Cosmo and Wanda as dogs)
  • Timmy: So tired.
  • (Timmy opens the front door; Vicky is reading "Handsome Jerk Monthly"; Vicky doesn't recognize him and screams, inhales deeply, pulls out a whistle and blows it, gives old Timmy karate kicks and kick him out of the house)
  • (Timmy flies out the door and fells down on the sidewalk with a thud)
  • Timmy: Oh, man. (Cosmo and Wanda flies near Timmy) Booted out of my own house!
  • (Vicky close the door; and slaps her hands together)
  • Vicky: Nobody gets rid of creeps like Vicky.
  • (a Canary squawks, loses all it's feathers and keels over and swings from its perch upside down)
  • Vicky: Hmmm. Timmy hasn’t said anything since I sent him to bed. The brat’s usually whimpering with the hunger by now.
  • (scene cuts to Timmy)
  • Timmy: Aw, man? What good is being big if I can’t even go to my own home? Come on. I know where we can still go.
  • (Timmy, Cosmo and Wanda exits the scene; Cut to Timmy's room, the door is opened by Vicky. She sees the bed empty and the window is open)
  • Vicky: (gasps) He’s gone! Something could have happened to him! Or worse, something could happen to me because something happened to him!
  • (Vicky looks through the window to find the Turner's arrive at the driveway)
  • Vicky: His parents are home! (grabs a bunch of Timmy's clothes) Need time to find the punk.
  • Mom: Vicky? It's us!
  • Dad: Timmy's loving parents!
  • (Vicky puts them under the blanket, and picks up a basketball, resting it on the pillow; she puts Timmy's hat on the ball)
  • Dad: Aw...look at that big, orange, basketball-shaped head of his sleeping. (pats the basketball) Good night, Timmy!
  • Vicky: Well...uh...good night! (takes off nervously)
  • (scene cut to the schoolyard at night; Timmy, who's beaten and tired starts falling asleep on the benches, while Cosmo and Wanda turn into a pillow and blanket)
  • Timmy: I can’t make wishes. I can’t sleep in my own bed. I didn’t know being an adult would be so hard.
  • Wanda: Aww, it’s okay, sweetie. Tomorrow will be better.
  • Timmy: Really?
  • Cosmo: We don't know. (Wanda elbows Cosmo) Ow-ee!
  • (scene cuts to the morning, Timmy wakes up seeing Francis bullying Chester and AJ, plucking Chester on the back of his heads with his finger)
  • Chester: Ouch! Ow! Cut it out Francis, that's my only head!
  • Francis: Ha, ha.
  • Timmy: Finally! This looks like a job for...
  • Cosmo and Wanda: ...older Timmy!
  • (Timmy walks up to Francis' back and plucks him in the head)
  • Timmy: Pluck on somebody your own size!
  • (Francis glares at adult Timmy; he notices two cops in the distance and then smiles; he does a fake cry alerting the cops, instantly looking to the school yard; Timmy runs away to the park; Timmy is out of breath and falls on the ground; while Cosmo and Wanda conceals him by turning into a tree and shrub; The cops get past the them; Cosmo and Wands turn back to normal; a fairy messenger arrives.)
  • Messenger: Fairy gram for Cosmo and Wanda.
  • Cosmo: I'm Cosmo and Wanda!
  • Messenger: Now that your kid is big and hairy, your next assignment is mean and scary.
  • (the messenger waves his wand, showing a kid through some sort of view portal, smacking his doll against a brick)
  • Kid: Man, I wish I had some Fairy Godparents to knock around, instead of this stupid doll! (the head of the doll pops off and rolls offscreen) Whoa. The head fell off. Awesome!
  • Wanda: You mean we're being reassigned?
  • Messenger: (laughs and stops) I mean, yes. And we’re all very sorry.
  • Cosmo: Can we have a couple of hours to say goodbye to Timmy?
  • Messenger: Can I have five dollars?
  • (Timmy gives the messenger five dollars)
  • Messenger: (snatches the five dollars off Timmy's hands) Two hours. (disappears (CHA-CHING)
  • Timmy: What's going on? You said you just couldn't grant me any more wishes. (tears coming out of his eyes) I didn't know you’d have to leave me, too!
  • Cosmo: We didn’t know that either. Apparently, the other thing I’m chock full of is not knowing stuff!
  • Timmy: Hey, what if I acted like a kid again? I could wish myself back to normal and you guys wouldn’t have to leave!
  • (Da Rules appear, Wanda checks it out)
  • Wanda: I don't see anything that says you can't--
  • Cosmo: I smell loophole! (close Da Rule book and throws it off-screen) We’ll discuss it at the next Fairy convention! Come on, Timmy!
  • Wanda: (grabs Timmy by the shirt and drags him off-screen) Ooh, let's find your inner child!
  • (cut to a mini golf course)
  • Cosmo: Miniature golf is a great kid’s game!
  • (Cosmo and Wanda turns into a golf club and golf ball; Timmy bends over and is about to strike the Cosmo ball, but is back is thrown out)
  • Timmy: Ow! My back!
  • (Cosmo and Wanda turn to normal; Wanda puts a thermometer in Timmy's ears)
  • Wanda: Let me try the Age-O-Meter. (Thermometer rises) Kid... adult... oh no! You’ll become even more of an adult!
  • Cosmo: We gotta resort to the head of artillery!
  • (cut to the Burb Mart; Timmy is riding a kids rocket ship ride; A father and his daughter looks at it as it collapses from Timmy's weight; His daughter points and laughs)
  • Father: That’s just plain creepy. (walks out)
  • (the fairy messenger appears again)
  • Messenger: Time to go!
  • Wanda: Can we have two more hours with Timmy?
  • Messenger: Can I have five more dollars?
  • (Timmy gives him five dollars; the messenger snatches the five dollars out of his hand with a smirk and disappears; (SCAM!)
  • Timmy: Come on! We gotta get me younger! I’m running out of fives!
  • (scene cuts to the sidewalks; flyers with Timmy's picture and "Have you seen this twerp" is on a post. Vicky is giving out these flyers to people)
  • Vicky: (handing out posters) Have you seen this twerp? Have you seen this twerp? Have you seen this twerp? Have you seen this twerp?
  • (Timmy goes behind her as he sees her)
  • Timmy: Vicky! I’ve never been so happy to see you in my-- Actually, I’ve never been happy to see you.
  • (Vicky pulls out her powerful whistle and blows it; She busts Timmy with the same karate moves she used the last night)
  • (Timmy is kicked by Vicky again; The police grabbed him)
  • Cop: You are one creepy adult. We got a place for guys like you.
  • Timmy: Home?
  • (scene cut to jail; Timmy in his jail cell, terrified while Cosmo and Wanda are floating next to him with their bags packed)
  • Wanda: Aw, sweetie, we tried.
  • Cosmo: Look at it this way, meals don’t cost $265 here!
  • (the cop arrives; Cosmo turns into a toilet, and Wanda turns to a sink; the cop gives Timmy a phone)
  • Cop: One phone call, creep.
  • Timmy: (holds the phone) Mom? It's me, Timmy!
  • (to the Turner's living room; Mom is holding the phone, cupping the receiver)
  • Mom: Honey, It’s some old guy calling me from jail. He says he’s Timmy.
  • Dad: That’s creepy. And inaccurate. We know that Timmy was taken to school by his loving baby sitter, Vicky.
  • (a mirror in the background shatters when "Vicky" was said; the scene cuts back to the jail; Timmy is looking at the receiver much to his horror)
  • Timmy: They didn’t believe me. (starting to cry) I don’t want to be grown up!
  • (Timmy hunches over and starts sobbing; Cosmo and Wanda change back; the messenger appears)
  • Messenger: Okay! Chop-chop! Somebody in this room has to go help the new kid!
  • Timmy: What? No! I’ve lost my home, my hair and now my godparents?! This stinks! I don’t want to be an adult yet! I want my Mom and Dad!!! (sobbing hysterically)
  • (Wanda smiles; she puts the Age-O-Meter in Timmy's ear and it moved back to "Kid")
  • Wanda: Oh, Timmy, wanting your Mom and Dad is making you a kid inside!
  • Cosmo: Quick, make a wish!
  • Timmy: I wish I was a kid again!
  • (Cosmo and Wanda turns Timmy back into his kid self; he is no longer an adult)
  • Timmy: I'm puny again! Whoohoo!
  • Cosmo and Wanda: And we get to stay with Timmy!
  • Wanda: (to the messenger) In your face!
  • Messenger: Well, someone in here has to get assigned to that mean little....Darn it! (the messenger poofs away (KARMA); the messenger disappears to the mean kid, who is holding him in one hand and the headless doll in the other)
  • Kid: Finally! (looks at his doll) Does your head pop off?
  • Messenger: Uh, it's not supposed to.
  • (scene cuts back to the jail; The cop returns, seeing Timmy in his cell)
  • Cop: What happened to that big, fat, creepy, bald guy?
  • Timmy: Uh, parole?
  • Cop: Well, jail’s for creepy adults, not kids! Let’s get you out of here.
  • (the two walks down the hallway past the prisoners who start crying)
  • Prisoners: We want our mommies and daddies too! (cries)
  • Timmy: Being a kid rocks! I’d rather be a shrimp than a hairy prisoner any day!
  • Cop: Hey, me too!
  • (scene cut to a front desk at the police station; Vicky is filling out a missing person's report to a staff sergeant)
  • Vicky: Officer, he’s a twerp, you know, and I can’t find him. (Timmy walks in front of her unnoticed) He’s about this high, (She picks up Timmy's hat to show it to the sergeant) and he’s got a stupid little pink hat, like this, and he’s got a nasally little voice like--
  • Timmy: Hi Vicky!
  • (the two large glass bulbs from the left and right of the officer shatters)
  • Vicky: (grabs a hold of Timmy by the face) Twerp! (shakes Timmy) I’m safe! (stops shaking Timmy) Uh... I mean you’re safe. (drops Timmy) Which means, I’m safe!
  • (scene cut to Cosmo and Wanda are disguised as birds in a nest, watching Timmy; screen points the schoolyard; Francis is holding Timmy's hat over his head again; Chester and A.J. watches from behind)
  • Francis: Ha, you’re just a shrimp! A puny little shrimp!
  • Timmy: I sure am, Francis. And I’m not in any hurry to grow up. Best of all, I got all my hair... and none of its on my back!
  • (Francis looks at his back, to see some black hair sticking out of his vest)
  • Francis: Uh...
  • Chester and AJ: Ew! (takes off)
  • Timmy: (pulls out a shaving kit and some shaving cream for Francis) Here ya go.
  • Francis: Hey, shaving will be fun!
  • (Francis walks off the screen; Cosmo and Wanda appear near Timmy in their regular form; Francis screams off-screen in pain; Timmy, Cosmo and Wanda are laughing at Francis; the screen fades out)
  • THE END