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Squirrely Puffs (transcript)

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(Episode begins at the Turners' house with Timmy preparing for the Squirrely Scouts' trip)

  • Timmy: Squirrely Scout credo. Ten hut. I am a little Squirrely Scout, the squirrely of thy speak. I flick my tail and never fail to stuff nuts in my cheeks.
  • Wanda: Hey, Sport. Time for the annual Squirrely Scout camping trip? (Timmy spits out the nuts at her and Cosmo)
  • Timmy: This year is my big rite of passage. Time for me to go hike up Mount Doomsdale and go from boyhood to older boyhood.
  • Cosmo: Ooh! (spits the nut from his nose) We want to go to older boyhood too, especially Wanda.
  • Wanda: I don't know. If Mount Doomsdale were baby-friendly, the word "Doom" wouldn't be in the name.
  • Timmy: You guys have to come. Otherwise there wouldn't be a stable adult around. (Mr. Turner shows up at the window)
  • Mr. Turner: Hey, squirrely son. I'm already in my flying squirrel uniform. Whoa, so unstable. Curse you, sudden wind current. (tries to hold on to the window, but falls and crashes) Eeh, eeh!
  • Wanda: Maybe we should come with you.
  • Cosmo: Just give me a second to pack. (gobbles the nuts into his mouth)
  • Wanda: Cosmo, you're allergic to nuts.
  • Cosmo: No, I'm not. (gets bigger and whimpers) Yes, I am. (gets bigger and bigger) (cuts to the camping trip)
  • Timmy: Mount Doomsdale doesn't look so bad.
  • Mr. Turner: Eh, Mount Doomsdale's over there. (wolf howls and thunder booms)
  • Timmy: Of course it is.
  • Mr. Turner: Okay, boys. Time to hike our way to older boyhood the way that only boys can.
  • Timmy: Yeah, in a completely girl-free environment. (van honks and Mrs. Turner, Tootie and the other Cream Puffs are in it)
  • Mrs. Turner: Okay, girls. Let's get out and have our hike.
  • Mr. Turner: Timmy, don't look now, but some freak in a cupcake suit has stolen your mother's minivan.
  • Mrs. Turner: It's me, silly. Mom. I'm in my Cream Puff troop leader uniform.
  • Tootie: We're going to climb Mount Doomsdale on our way from girlhood to older girlhood. Hi, Timmy. I just got my mouth-to-mouth resitation badge. (tries to kiss Timmy) (Timmy throws up into a bush)
  • Mrs. Turner: Cream Puff credo. Ready, girls?
  • All the girls: I am a little cream puff, a fiesty modern girl. I am sweet and cute and smart to boot, much tougher than a squirrel.
  • Mr. Turner: Tougher than a squirrel? My keen rodent ears detect a challenge.
  • Timmy: From them? There're just a bunch of girls dressed up like desert.
  • Sanjay: I like their kneesocks. (Chester and A.J. move one step away from him)
  • Mrs. Turner: (takes Mr. Turner off the rope) Sounds like you boys need to be tought a lesson. I bet we can make it to the top of Mount Doomsdale before you do. (slaps Mr. Turner with her glove)
  • Mr. Turner: Oh, ho, ho. I accept your bet.
  • Timmy: A bet against the really lame girls? There's no way can lose. Especially with magic on our side.
  • Wanda: Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants, you should also know that fairy magic can't help you win competitions.
  • Cosmo: Who needs magic, Timmy? I'm a boy caterpillar, I think. And I'll help you reach older boyhood. Nothing will stop us from winning that bet. (a bird comes and eats Cosmo and Wanda and they scream) Except maybe this yellow-bellied sap sucker.
  • Poof: Mama? Dada? (starts to wimper and lips start to quiver)
  • Timmy: Don't cry, Poof. Funny faces! Funny faces! (makes faces and Poof giggles) That's better. Now let's show them how much better squirrels are then cream puffs.
  • Chester: Uh, they left while you were making faces at your canteen.
  • Tootie: See you at the top, Timmy.
  • Mr. Turner: Ooh. (licks the frosting) A trail of frosting. Fear not, lads. We're going to win that bet. I may have forgotten to pack food and everything else we need to survive...
  • All: What?
  • Mr. Turner: But I do have nuts in my cheeks. (spits out the nuts at Chester, A.J., and Sanjay) You can count on me, scouts. I am focused and grounded. (the rope springs off and it blows Mr. Turner away) Curse you, pleasant forest breeze.
  • Timmy: Okay, Squirrely Scouts. Let's conquer this mountain. (the scouts climb the mountain) (an animal roars and the Squirrely Scouts scream)
  • A.J.: Something bit my shin. It had beady red eyes and really sharp teeth.
  • Chester: That was me. I'm really hungry. (chews on A.J.'s hand)
  • Sanjay: I got poison ivy. This never would have happened if our uniforms had kneesocks. (the other scouts move away from him)
  • A.J.: At this pace, with no food or water and our increased heart rates, scientifically, I say we have about 11 hours to live.
  • Timmy: Guys, get a grip. If we're having problems, imagine how horribly the girls are doing. (Mrs. Turner calls from above)
  • Mrs. Turner: Hello, down there, boys. (waves at them) We're beating you to the top of the mountain, thanks to these cute woodland critters who befriended us. (the creatures sing) And they sing. There're going to serenade us all the way to victory. (the creatures give the Cream Puffs a ride)
  • Tootie: See you at the top, Timmy, if you survive.
  • Timmy: Barfing again. (throws up) (one of Mr. Turner's shoes fall on him)
  • Mr. Turner: Squirrely Scouts, I see a path to the top. Take the shortcut through that dark and creepy cave. Trust me, I have rodent vision. (bumps into a tree) Curse you, supple sapling! (the Squirrely Scouts hurry into the cave, but they go back and the bear growls and the scouts scream)
  • Timmy: Why does nature hate us?
  • Mrs. Turner: Ahh, nature loves us. This can't possibly get any better. (the creatures give the Cream Puffs gifts) Ooh, yes, it can. Gift bags.
  • Girl: I got an 8-gigabyte mp3 player.
  • Tootie: I got a waffle maker.
  • Mrs. Turner: And I got a big diamond ring. Friendly woodland creatures are much more generous than husbands. (the creatures and Cream Puffs go further up and Timmy pulls up the rope)
  • Timmy: Wow, good thing that bear left his tooth in my head. We get attacked by a bear, and they get gift baskets and rides from deer.
  • Chester: Dude, we can totally eat those deer. (goes ahead to eat the deer, panting, but Timmy gets him)
  • Timmy: Chester, pull yourself together!
  • Chester: Okay, if I can't eat the deer, maybe I'll just hang out with the Cream Puffs. I bet they have food.
  • Timmy: What are you going to do, disguise yourself as a girl? They'll never fall for that.
  • Sanjay: (goes ahead with the Cream Puffs) Hooray, I got knee socks!
  • Timmy: Guys, what took you so long?
  • Cosmo: It was kind of hard to escape with the mother bird regurgitating us into the mouths of her young.
  • Wanda: We're here for you now, Timmy. And this time we're not going anywhere. (a frog swallows Cosmo and Wanda, the frog ribbits) (Poof cries again)
  • Timmy: No, Poof, don't cry! (Poof cries and starts a storm) I mean, uh... (thunder booms and Timmy screams) (creatures continue to sing)
  • Mrs. Turner: The good news is we found shelter from the storm. But the bad news is this song is much more annoying when it echoes off the walls of a cave.
  • Tootie: Thank you for braiding poison berries into my hair, Mr. Skunk. (giggles)
  • Sanjay: Mrs. Turner, would you please stop Mr. Deer from making a snack of my scalp?
  • Mrs. Turner: Now, now, Cream Puffs. We must be polite to the woodland critters. They helped us up the mountain so far, and they could be rabid. Is it me or is this song getting louder? (the moose kicks Mrs. Turner back) Oh, I don't think I need a massage right now, Mr. Moose. (she screams)
  • A.J.: That storm Timmy's canteen started finally stopped.
  • Chester: Maybe we can go at least a couple of minutes without utterly something terrifying happening. (the Squirrely Scouts scream and thunder booms)
  • Timmy: A statue of my dad made of nuts?
  • Chester: We can totally eat that.
  • Mr. Turner: Bow before the squirrel king! (climbs down the tree and the squirrels follow him)
  • Timmy: Dad! You're okay!
  • Mr. Turner: Of course. After I crashed into a cliff, these squirrels rescued me and nurtured me back to health. Now they worship me as their leader.
  • Chester: Can we cook one on a stick?
  • Mr. Turner: No. They're going to help us. Fear me, squirrels. You must carry us up the mountain. I mean, squeak, squeak, chitter, eeky, squeak. (the squirrels fly Chester away and he screams)
  • Timmy: Dad, what did you say?
  • Mr. Turner: Let me check my English to Squirrel dictionary. Ooh, I accidentally told them they could sacrifice the little blond kid. My bad. Okay, my subjects, take us to the top. I mean, squeaky, squeak, squeak. (the squirrels take them up the mountain while the woodland critters keep singing)
  • Tootie: The song has gotten louder.
  • Mrs. Turner: The animals are only trying to be helpful. I mean, look what they did to my hair. So very helpful. (the creatures stop singing) Oh, thank goodness they finally stopped singing, and just when I thought I was really going to snap. (the animals inhale and continue to sing)
  • Mrs. Turner: (screaming at the top of her lungs) STOP! Stop your horrible singing, you annoying freaks of nature!! You're tone deaf, and you smell! And I hate what you did to my hair! (the animals continue to sing, and then growl) Perhaps I went too far. Cream Puffs!! Run for your frosted lives! (the Cream Puffs and Sanjay run down the hill)
  • Timmy: Look, the friendly woodland critters are attacking the Cream Puffs.
  • Mr. Turner: Yes, we're going to win!
  • Timmy: Dad!
  • Mr. Turner: Oh, all right. Squeak, squeak. (the squirrels go to save the Cream Puffs)
  • Mrs. Turner: Oh, thanks for saving us, Timmy.
  • Mr. Turner: Hey, I'm the one who gave the squirrels the rescue command, and I love your hair.
  • A.J.: Oh, I'm impressed. Technically speaking, flying squirrels can't lift more than 1 and a half times their own weight. (the Squirrely Scouts and the Cream Puffs scream and fall)
  • Timmy: Mount Doomsdale Resort and Spa? (cuts to the pool and kids are laughing)
  • Wanda: Hey, Sport. Glad to see you enjoying nature.
  • Timmy: You bet. I made it to the top of the mountain and older boyhood and I never needed mouth-to-mouth resitation.
  • Tootie: Never say never, Timmy.
  • Timmy: Barfing again. (throws up)
  • Cosmo: Wow, that long slow passage out of the frog really worked up an apetite. What's for dinner? (Chester catches Cosmo and Wanda)
  • Wanda: I think we are. Again!
  • Chester: Ooh, goldfish. I can totally eat them.
  • Sanjay: Careful, watch the kneesocks!
  • Mr. Turner: I think this bet is officially a draw. Let's never make another silly bet like that.
  • Mrs. Turner: Agreed. I'm just glad the woodland critters are finally gone. (critters growl)
  • Mr. Turner: Bet I can get to the bottom of the mountain first.
  • Mrs. Turner: You're on! (slaps Mr. Turner with a glove) (both scream)
  • Both: Why does nature hate us?

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