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Freaks & Greeks (transcript)

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(Episode begins at the Turners' house)

  • Timmy: Woo-hoo! It's Saturday night! Time to cut loose. I hope you guys have something exciting planned.
  • Wanda: Oh, you bet, Sport. We're going to redecorate the fishbowl. What color of plastic diver should we go with, violent or magenta?
  • Cosmo: I like all three.
  • Wanda: I'm going with pink.
  • Cosmo: Wow, a diver in a pink suit. How manly. I'm going to call you "Manly McDiver Man".
  • Timmy: A pink diver? That's your idea of exciting? Guys, I want to party. (Mr. and Mrs. Turner come in but accidentally knock over Wanda and Cosmo)
  • Both: Woo-hoo!
  • Mr. Turner: We're going to party.
  • Timmy: Woo-hoo! We are?
  • Mr. Turner: Not you. When I say "we", I never mean you.
  • Mrs. Turner: Your father and I are going to a toga party. It's an ancient celebration of eating Greek food, like french fries, and wearing bedsheets as clothing.


  • Mr. Turner: With no underpants. Those Greeks were so advanced.
  • Timmy: So I'm guessing you're leaving me with Vicky, right?
  • Mr. Turner: Ooh, he's such a smart boy. Why does he keep getting Fs? (Vicky comes in and slams the door in Cosmo and Wanda's face)
  • Vicky: Hey, Twerp. I brought snakes. (laughs, but Timmy uses the trapdoor to trap her in the basement)
  • Timmy: That trapdoor wish was one of the best I ever made.
  • Wanda: Timmy, you can't lock Vicky in the basement all night. She'll get hungry.
  • Timmy: Cosmo, thirty cans of Vicky food, stat. (Cosmo poofs up a box of cans of Vicky food and the cans fall on Vicky)
  • Vicky: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
  • Timmy: Now it's time to party. (turns on the underwear dance and Timmy dances, but notices his parents are still here) GAH! You're still here?!
  • Mr. Turner: And you're wearing underwear. You are not nearly as advanced as us Greeks. We're just locking up your mother's priceless collection of glass figurines that cherish the moments of our family history.
  • Mrs. Turner: Here's your father and me getting married. Oh, and here we are on the day you were born.
  • Mr. Turner: There's me chasing the dreams I'll never catch.
  • Mrs. Turner: And here's me showing you my glass figurine collection right now. If any of these figures were shattered, I'd be shattered.
  • Mr. Turner: And you'd be grounded...for infinity! So guard these figurines with your life. (locks them up)
  • Both: Toga! Toga! Toga! (the horse rides them to the toga party)
  • Mr. Turner: No underpants.
  • Timmy: (screams when he sees the glass case wobble. He runs over to stop it from falling over) This stinks. Why don't I get to go to a toga party?
  • Cosmo: You can. I'm just taking Manly McDiver Man to the greatest toga party in the universe. You should come with us.
  • Wanda: Wait. I know the party's he talking about, Timmy. And you'd be better off redecorating the fishbowl.
  • Timmy: Yeah. And we're gone. (Cosmo poofs them to the Mount Olympus toga party and a god blows a horn and the people cheer)
  • Cosmo: Timmy, Manly, welcome to Mount Olympus, home of the Greek gods, where the toga party never stops.
  • Dionysus: Par-tay!
  • Cosmo: Here comes my pal Dionysus. (Dionysus flies on a whoopee cushion)
  • Dionysus: Ooh, yeah. Totally!
  • Cosmo: A flying whoopee cushion. The Greeks are so advanced. (Zeus comes in) That's Zeus, god of lightning. What's up, big Z?
  • Zeus: Yo, Cosmo. Pull this. (Cosmo touches his finger and gets zapped) (laughs) Who's your bro, Cosmo?
  • Cosmo: This is Manly McDiver Man. And this is...Pinkius, god of feminine headgear. I greeked up your name to make you sound cooler.
  • Timmy: Yeah, Pinkius sounds super cool. Thanks.
  • Cosmo: That's Poseidon, god of the sea.
  • Poseidon: Did you see what I did? (pulls up a fish) See? See? Oh, awesome. (takes Manly McDiver Man away from us)
  • Cosmo: GAH! Manly! Manly, wait, come back! (Wanda gets hit by a needle)
  • Wanda: And this is Artemis, goddess of the hunt.
  • Artemis: I'm bargain hunting. Look, Pegasus. There's a sale on sandals at the Acropolis. (Pegasus neighs) (Medusa, rival of the gods comes in and the gods gasp)
  • Timmy: Whoa, someone's having a bad hair day. (Zeus gasps)
  • Dionysus: Who invited Medusa? She's pure evil, turns people into stone, and worse of all, she double dips!
  • Wanda: Timmy, can we go home now? These guys are freaks.
  • Timmy: Are you kidding? This place is awesome. (throws Zeus away) I want to hurl me a lightning bolt. (throws the lightning bolt, but it accidentally hits one of the columns which causes the other columns to fall, destroying their place) (laughs) Uh, party, toga. Wanda? (Wanda poofs them home)
  • Cosmo: I didn't get to say good-bye to Manly McDiver Man. Don't forget me, Manly McDiver Man!
  • Timmy: Well, the good news is I'm home now, and the all powerful gods can never find me. (the gods throw the door) Ahh! How did you guys find me?
  • Artemis: Pegasus has GPS, god positioning system. (the GPS shows Timmy's face on it) I found it on sale.
  • Zeus: Pinkius, you destroyed Mount Olympus. Do you like, know what that means?
  • Dionysus: Party at your place, dude! (Zeus uses his lightning bolt to bring everyone here and they cheer)
  • Timmy: What? No! This is a bad place to party. (the gods run him over) Bad, bad.
  • Zeus: Ladies and gentlemen, Greek gods of all ages, please put your hands together for Bobby Horsebody and the Centaurs.
  • Bobby: Well, this one's called Blue Suede Horseshoes. A-one, a-two, a-huh, a-huh. (he hits the figurine case)
  • Timmy: Ahh! (the figurine case falls but it did not break) We have to these guys out of here.
  • Wanda: But they're all powerful, Timmy. You can't just wish them away.
  • Timmy: Then we need to fix Mount Olympus so they'll go home. And by we, I mean you. Hey, what are you doing?! GAH!
  • God: Woo-hoo!
  • Wanda: Me? Fix Mount Olympus? Well, I always wanted to redecorate something more than the fishbowl. I'll need some wallpaper samples and carpet swatches...
  • Timmy: Wanda, go!
  • Zeus: Pinkius, your palace is full of wonders. I am most astounded by this tiny lightning box.
  • Timmy: You mean the toaster?
  • Zeus: It cooks bread far more evenly then I ever could. (laughs) (uses his lightning bolt to zap the slice of bread and goes in the toaster and is golden brown) See, so golden and delectable. Will your wonders never cease? (laughs) (Timmy goes to fix the slice but Wanda poofs him to Mount Olympus)
  • Timmy: Wanda, I'm in the middle of an emergency. This better be important.
  • Wanda: It is extremely important. I need your advice on the paint for the columns, eggshell or ecru?
  • Timmy: I don't know. Eggshell.
  • Wanda: Really? Nah, I'm going with pink. (poofs Timmy back to the house)
  • Poseidon: Pinkius, Manly McDiver Man and I rule this tiny blue ocean. See? See?
  • Timmy: That's a toilet. (Cosmo comes out the toilet)
  • Cosmo: Manly McDiver Man, I'm here to rescue you.
  • Poseidon: Toilet ocean. The mighty Poseidon commands you to recede! (flushes Cosmo down the toilet) (Cosmo screams while swirling down the toilet and Poseidon laughs) I got to show this to Zeus! (picks up the toilet)
  • Artemis: Pinkius, your magical talking picture box is offering me great deals on wonders I never knew existed. Look, I bought barrettes for me and a friend for Pegasus. (Pegasus growls)
  • Dionysus: Let's play "Pin the lightning bolt on the figurine case"!
  • Timmy: No! (the lightning bolt zaps Timmy)
  • All gods: Toga! Toga! Toga!
  • Both: Timmy! Timmy! Timmy!
  • Mr. Turner: Hi, Son. Our toga party really trashed our friends' place, so we're coming home to our utterly pristine and undamaged house.
  • Mrs. Turner: And I'm bringing a new glass figurine of us coming home and putting the glass figurine in my undamaged glass figurine case.
  • Timmy: Oh, no. My parents are on their way. Wanda, how's it going?
  • Wanda: You can't rush redecorating, Timmy. It requires a keen eye, lots of patience...I said taffeta, not crushed velvet, you yahoo! Oh, this job makes me feel more relaxed than I have in my whole life. (laughs)
  • Timmy: Just hurry.
  • Zeus: Hey everyone, it's time for the pinata. First one to shatter that figurine case wins. (laughs) (Timmy screams and jumps to the case)
  • Cosmo: I'm doing this for you, Manly McDiver Man. (the pinata hits Timmy) Ooh, a pinata that bites back. You guys really do know how to party.
  • Timmy: If I don't find a way to get rid of these morons before they destroy my mom's figurine case, I'm doomed.
  • Vicky: You're doomed, Twerp! Doomed!
  • Timmy: Vicky. I forgot she was trapped in the basement. Hey, gang. (Zeus and Poseidon are catching the figurine case) There's someone here to see you.
  • Dionysus: Is it the pizza guy?
  • Cosmo: Manly McDiver Man loves anchovies.
  • Vicky: Yaaah! (hits Timmy)
  • Zeus: Oh, it's Medusa! Run for your lives!
  • Artemis: And hide the dip. (the Greek gods go away) (Vicky growls)
  • Cosmo: Call me, Manly McDiver Man.
  • Vicky: And now, Twerp. To take care of you! (Timmy uses the trapdoor)
  • Both: Toga! Toga! Toga!
  • Timmy: GAH! Quick, I wish the house was fixed! (Cosmo fixes up the house) Mom's figurine case is safe. Shew. (accidentally breaks the figurine case)
  • Mrs. Turner: GAH! You broke my precious figurine case!!!!!
  • Mr. Turner: My broken dreams figurine...broken!
  • Timmy: Mom, I can explain.
  • Mrs. Turner: Oh, there's nothing to explain. I didn't want those stupid little glass things anyway. Now I can finally start a new collection of dangerous shards of glass. (brakes the glass) (Timmy uses the trapdoor to trap Mr. and Mrs. Turner and they scream and a loud crash occurs)
  • Mr. Turner: Oh, ho, ho. Vicky food!
  • Timmy: Trapdoors, best...wish...ever. (cuts to Mount Olympus)
  • Wanda: I hope you like my redecorating. It's a Wanda original.
  • Timmy: We bought housewarming gifts.
  • Cosmo: And there's Manly McDiver Man. He found a friend, Girly McDiver Girl. (sobbing) He'll be happier here.
  • Dionysus: You know what this calls for? A par-tay! (farts and destroys the palace again, but the Greeks laugh)
  • Cosmo: So advanced.
  • Mr. Turner: No underpants.

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