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Add-a-Dad (transcript)

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(Episode begins at the Dimmsdale Ballpark. Boys and their dads are cheering)

  • Timmy: Father-Son Day at the ballpark. What could make this more perfect?
  • Cosmo: Cheesedogs?
  • Mr. Turner: Look, son, cheesedogs! (brings hot dogs with mustard on them)
  • Cosmo: Now it's perfect. (eats the cheesedogs)
  • Timmy: I'm glad we can finally spend a day together, Dad. (hugs him)
  • Mr. Turner: Me too, Timmy. (hugs him) Our Father-Son bond is very important to me. Nothing but nothing should ever stand in the way of spending time with... (cell phone rings and he drops Timmy) Well Got to go. Time for my job as a rocket boot tester. (pulls up pants)
  • Timmy: But I thought your job involved... What do you do again?
  • Mr. Turner: I have many jobs, Timmy. So we can have enough money to really enjoy life, which we can't do because I'm so busy. Man, that's irony for you. But don't worry, this Dad Doll will keep you company and dispense fatherly advice.
  • Dad Doll: Never look a badger directly in the eyes, Timmy. (a baseball hits his head off)
  • Mr. Turner: You and your cheesedog-eating baseball mitt won't even know I'm gone. (powers up rocket boots) (groans and starts screaming when he flies around and flew on the board and the screen said "FOUL") These boots are faulty. (cuts to Bijou Theater)
  • Timmy: Father-Son Night at the movies. What could be better than... (cell phone rings)
  • Mr. Turner: Got to go. Time for my other, other job as a K-9 attack dog dummy.
  • Timmy: Another job? (Mr. Turner gives him the Dad Doll)
  • Dad Doll: Never poke a sleeping clown, Timmy. (Mr. Turner blows whistle and wolves fight him and one wolf takes the Dad Doll's head off)
  • Mr. Turner: These boots are faulty. (cuts to the picnic with Chester's team and Timmy's team at the Tug-Of-War)
  • Timmy: I'm sure glad we... (cell phone rings) Never mind. Ahh! (grunts)
  • Mr. Turner: Well Got to go Time for my shift as shark bait. (gives Timmy the Dad Doll) The Dad Doll can help you win the Tug-Of-War, son. (Dad Doll falls on the rope) (blows whistle and sharks come out to fight Mr. Turner) These sharks work fine. (Chester's team pull the rope) (Timmy screams and falls into the mud)
  • Dad Doll: Never use a carrot as a weapon, Timmy. (cuts to the Turners' house)
  • Cow: Moo!
  • Timmy: So, Dad, are you finally done working so we can go have fun?
  • Mr. Turner: Not even close, son. But you're always with me in spirit while I'm at my various jobs because I had your real good name tattooed on my real good ankle when you were born. (shows Timmy "Bono" on his ankle)
  • Timmy: "Bono?"
  • Mr. Turner: Eh, that's what I wanted to name you, but your mother had other more lame ideas, obviously. And until you're old enough to support me, I have to make money. That's what that cash cow for. If I feed it green paper I can milk money out of it, in theory.
  • Cow: Moo!
  • Mr. Turner: Whoa. (points at the insects) That's not money. Too bad, because Dad Dolls don't grow on trees, you know.
  • Cow: Moo! (hits Mr. Turner of the wall)
  • Mr. Turner: (flies up) Still faulty.
  • Timmy: This stinks.
  • Cosmo: It sure does. Whoo, don't step in the muddy, Wanda.
  • Wanda: Your dad's trying his best, Timmy. It's not like he could be in two places at once you know.
  • Timmy: "Two places at once." Wanda, that's it. I wish I had a second dad. (Cosmo and Wanda poof the wish) (cuts to outside of the Turners' house while Mr. Turner leaves for work)
  • Mr. Turner: Well, off to my shift at the Slingshot Factory, son.
  • Timmy: Have a nice day at work, Dad. While I go kite-flying with Dad Number Two. (Dad Number Two comes outside)
  • Dad Number Two: Here's my fatherly advice. (throws Dad Doll away) Let's go have fun! AAAAAAAAH!
  • Mr. Turner: Ehh, that slingshot was faulty.
  • Timmy: Okay, let's go. (cell phone rings)
  • Dad Number Two: Hold on. Due to the faulty slingshot, your real dad's going to miss his shift as a matador. AAAAAAH!
  • Cosmo: Wow, those elephants look mad.
  • Timmy: Now Dad Number Two has to work?
  • Wanda: Sorry about that, Sport. But you can still fly us with the Dad Doll.
  • Mrs. Turner: I love your duct tape necktie, Dear.
  • Dad Doll: Never run with your underwear pulled over your eyes, Timmy.
  • Mrs. Turner: Well, I'm Mom, but thank you for the interesting advice.
  • Wanda: Never mind.
  • Timmy: Okay, this time I'm not taking any chances. I wish for enough dads so I'll never be without one. (Cosmo and Wanda poof the wish and cuts back to the Dimmsdale Ballpark) Another ball game. Awesome!
  • Dad Number Three: whoops time for work. Sorry, I have to go, Now Timmy.
  • Timmy: It's all righy, Dad. I got that covered.
  • All Dads: Hey, batter. Hey, batter. Hey, batter. Swing, batter! (Dad swings and Dad Number 83 caught the ball)
  • Timmy: Sweet! Thanks, Dad 83. (cuts to Bijou theater with Jurassic Dad playing)
  • T-rex Dad: Roar! (other dads run while screaming) Roar! I may be scary, but my brain's no bigger than a chicken's. Roar!
  • Timmy: Jurassic Dad. This movie's awesome!
  • Dad Number 21: You're right, and that T-rex is dreamy.
  • Timmy: Who's got the popcorn?
  • All Dads: We do! (cuts back to the picnic with Chester, A.J., Sanjay, their dads, and Timmy and his dads at the Tug-Of-War) (Chester, A.J., Sanjay, and their dads grunt but all of them fall into the mud)
  • Timmy: Yes! Good job, Dads. (cuts back to the Turners' house with Timmy about to sleep) Good night, Dad 220. I had a great time with you today. At least, I think it was you.
  • Dad Number 220: I'm sure it was. Sweet dreams. (turns off the lamp, but more dads appear and Dad Number 16 turns on the lamp)
  • Dad Number 16: Wait! I didn't get my Timmy Time today. Throw me some love, T-Bone.
  • Dad Number 25: No, no, no. It's my turn with Timmy. We're going to have bacon cake at the Cake and Bacon.
  • One of the Dads: Let's go cow-tipping, Timmy. (takes Timmy out of bed) (all of the dads are speaking at once) (Timmy groaning) Bacon, cake, cow!
  • Timmy: (grunts)
  • Wanda: Timmy, have you been down here all night?
  • Timmy: Only since about 5:00 in the morning. Having all these dads sure is great, but I could really use some Timmy time and a nap. (starts to sleep)
  • Dad Number Seven: Good morning, son. Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey. Ready for our trip to the Toenail Museum.
  • Another one of the Dads: Boring! I'm taking Timmy to the Lint Store.
  • Dad Number Two: Lame! He and I are going to the Shoelace Showroom. (Timmy bumps into the cows)
  • All Dads: Timmy, be my son today! Timmy, be my son today! Timmy, Timmy, me, me! (Timmy screams)
  • Timmy: Stop it, Dads. And, uh, get into the closet so I can talk to my cows. I mean, think. (closet opens and dads come out)
  • Dad Number 88: There's my Timmy!
  • Dad Number Five: He's got my eyes!
  • Dad Number 21: Your Timmy?
  • Timmy: Oh, I got to find someplace where I can be alone and think, the bathroom! (opens the bathroom but it's full of the dads)
  • Another one of the Dads: Deh! A little privacy, please. (Timmy screams)
  • Timmy: Bathroom full of the dads! (all dads shout "Timmy") I got to get Cosmo and Wanda to wish away all these extra dads before this gets any more out of control.
  • Mrs. Turner: Honey, breakfast!
  • One of the Dads: Just finished.
  • Dad Number 47: And it was delicious.
  • Man on TV: And now, it's time for another episode of "Dads of Our Lives".
  • Doctor: Nurse, we're both dreamy. Let's operate.
  • Mrs. Turner: This is mildly unnerving. (cuts to the treehouse)
  • All Dads: Timmy, come back to us! Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy!
  • Timmy: Not you guys, too!
  • Wanda: We had to disguise ourselves as dads just to get in here.
  • Timmy: This is getting out of hand. I wish... Ahhhh! (one of the dads cuts through the treehouse)
  • One of the Dads: Deh! My Timmy! (throws Timmy out of the treehouse and Timmy screams)
  • Cosmo: Finish your sentence. We have no idea what you're wishing for. I'm going to take a guess. I think he wants more dads. (poofs the wish)
  • Dad Number 76: Hallelujah! (dads are falling from the sky) It's raining dads. (cuts to the doctor's office)
  • Mrs. Turner: Doctor, I keep seeing my husband everywhere I look. Am I nuts?
  • One of the Dads: Ooh, I'm going to say "yes". That'll be $200. And I'm late for Timmy.
  • Mrs. Turner: GAH! Why is this happening to me?!?!?!?!?! (cuts back outside of the Turners' house) (one of the dads changes his hair and another one puts lipstick in and another one's pants fall off)
  • All Dads: Time to battle to the Dad.
  • One of the Dads: Last one standing wins Timmy.
  • All Dads: Hooray! (all of the dads grumble and Timmy screams but one dad grabs him)
  • One of the Dads: Timmy is my son.
  • Another Dad: (takes Timmy away from him) He isn't! (all the other grab Timmy and he screams)
  • Cosmo: Aw, Timmy's playing with his dads and having the time of his life.
  • Wanda: Cosmo, he's really in trouble. We need to save him. (Mr. Turner comes down from the roof)
  • Mr. Turner: My rocket boots are still faulty. And your friends are gorgeous, Timmy. Hey, where's Timmy. (Timmy screams) Stand down, gorgeous strangers. (takes out a lot of dads) Let go of my son. (takes out more dads and grabs Timmy)
  • Timmy: Wow, thanks, one of my dads. (looks down "Bono" on his leg) I mean, thanks, real dad. You saved me.
  • Mr. Turner: Don't mention it, son. That's what dads are for. Now to get that handsome army off my lawn. (goes to get the army off the lawn)
  • Timmy: Wow. I can't believe my dad saved me. He was actually there for me when I needed him.
  • Wanda: Uh, Sport, I think it's time you returned the favor.
  • Mr. Turner: Hey, no clinging, well-coiffed strangers.
  • Cosmo: Ooh, I know how to put a stop to this, Timmy. What we need is just a few hundred more dads.
  • Wanda: No, Cosmo. We got to get rid of the extra dads we got before they take over the planet.
  • Timmy: "Take over the planet." Wanda, that's a great idea. Wands up. (Cosmo and Wanda poof the wish to move a lot of dads) (cuts to Timmy, Cosmo, Wanda, and Poof in a spaceship) Welcome to Planet of the Dads. (bird squawks)
  • One of the Dads: Oh, look.
  • Both of the Dads: It's Timmy. We love Timmy.
  • Another one of the dads: Please come back to us, Timmy. (all dads shout "Timmy")
  • Wanda: Oh, they miss you, Sport.
  • Timmy: I know how to fix that. Timmy Dolls for everyone. (Cosmo and Wanda poof the wish)
  • Timmy Dolls: That wasn't me. I didn't do it. You can't prove anything.
  • All Dads: Yay! We love our Timmy Dolls.
  • Timmy Dolls: My fish ate my homework. I hope this monkey can fly a plane. What could possibly go wrong?
  • Wanda: Oh, now everyone's happy.
  • Timmy: Including me. I don't care if my dad sometimes gets too busy for me. One dad who loves me is enough. Now let's go home so I can spend some quality time with him. (cuts to outside of the Turners' house) (Poof flies into Cosmo)
  • Cosmo: Duh!
  • Timmy: Thanks for taking the day off to hang out with me, Dad.
  • Mr. Turner: You bet, Bozo.
  • Mrs. Turner: Hmm. One Timmy, one smiling green baseball mitt, one baseball with giant baby eyes, and one dad. Maybe I'm not crazy after all. Let's go, honey. (picks up the Dad Doll)
  • Dad Doll: I have monkeys in my underwear.
  • Mrs. Turner: And that's why I love you. (Dad Number 15 and Dad Number 92 ride on a cow)
  • Cow: Moo!
  • Dad Number 15: It's the end, Timmy.

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