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< Abra-Catastrophe!

(Timmy's hand gets cut off)
Timmy: I only have two of those you know!
Cosmo: [as Vader] Don't worry, you'll get another one in the end. A really cool robotic one.

(During the Star Wars parody...)
Cosmo: [wearing a Darth Vader-style costume] Because I am your father... [removes the mask] your godfather. Ha-ha, gimmie five!
Timmy: [accidentally lets go of the handrail with his lone attached hand and falls] Cosmo, you idiot!

Jorgen: [destroys the bridge] There, I have destroyed the bridge between Fairy World and Earth.
Soldier: But sir, we could've destroyed the bridge without scrambling the fairies...
Jorgen: I LIKE to scramble the fairies!! [turns back to bridge] Now that the only connection for any human to get to fairy world is destroyed, we can prevent any further puny fairies from being captured.
Soldier: But sir, w-we usually poof to Earth; you didn't have to destroy the bridge.
Jorgen: I LIKE to destroy the bridge!!

(Crocker's scepter is now useless without Cosmo and Wanda to power it)
Mr. Crocker: Well, I can still smack you around with it.

Timmy: [eating muffins] Blueberry... cranberry... banana nut...
Mr. Crocker: [scanning the flying muffins] Oat... wheat... [two muffins fly into his face] POPPY SEED!

Jorgen: What was I gonna do?
Cosmo: Scramble the fairies?
Jorgen: Yes! I like to scramble the fairies! [Jorgen leaves in a large explosion]

Wanda: When are you gonna let me go?
Crocker: What day is it?
Wanda: Tuesday.
Crocker: Wednesday... Thursday... NEVER!

Timmy: I'll never bow down to you, Crocker! I don't care how powerful you are, you're still a second-rate elementary school teacher. And shrimp puffs reek!
Crowd: Ohh.
Crocker: What would an angry dictator say to that?
Wanda: I'm gonna let the fairy go?
Crocker: No! Nice try though, I respect that. He'd say SILENCE!!!!
(Fires a magic blast at Timmy)

Timmy: Chimpsdale?! [sighs] When this is over, I'm wishing for a world without puns!

Crocker: Students, this is a math problem. But in a world where fairies exist, math means nothing! A fairy can make two plus two equal fish. (draws fish on the board and twitches crazily to students)

Dad: Hey, Timmy! Normally I don't like the chain look, but you pull it off quite nicely!

Monkey #1: So I heard, He gave him a Banana Ring!
Monkey #2 and 3: NO!
Monkey #1: And guess what? IT TOOK 3 WHOLE BUNCHS!
Monkey #2 and 3: OHHHH! (start speaking monkey) Ho ho ho!

Crocker: Hey, Turner, if you don't get dissected by Friday, do you wanna come to my dinner party, I'll be serving shrimp puffs.
Timmy: Shrimp puffs are gross!

Crocker: [in cage] Hey look a muffin. Wait, according to this feeding chart, I'm not supposed to be fed till March. I better save this...

Ape #1: Hey, did you read the daily banana?
Ape #2: Yeah, Banana stocks are up.
Ape #1: That's bananatastic!

Cosmo: I like the species that throws their own feces!

Muffin Man: (singing) Muffin. Muffin. How about a muffin.

Jorgen: Something has interrupted my very muscular bath! What in the name of bulging triceps is going on?!

Crocker: I'm quiting teaching-
Students: Yaaaaaaaay!
Crocker: I'm quitting teaching to become...LORD OF THE UNIVERSE!!!

Timmy: [referring to his Mom and Dad] Man, I wish they didn't lie to me. [Cosmo and Wanda grant wish]
Wanda: Uh, did we just make it so Timmy's parents couldn't lie?
Cosmo: Yeah. [pauses for a second] You've gained weight.
Wanda: Ya know, we can still lie to each other.
Cosmo: Yeah, I know.

Kids: AHHH! Spinach! (The kids run away from Crocker's van now disguised as a truck full of spinach)
Crocker: Excellent! (Before Crocker can make a move a bunch of sailors are shown at the left side of the disguised van)
Sailors: Ahoy! Spinach!

Timmy: [whispering] Mustn't move. Mustn't make a sound.
Cosmo: [appears and yells into a mega phone] Hi Timmy! I got your hand!

Sanjay: Can I go to the bathroom?
(Crocker turns his head into a toilet)
Chester: Can I go to the Sanjay? (Crocker turns Chester's head into a urinal)

Timmy: The Crimson Chimp? Chimp Skylark?

Crocker: [singing] I am the master of man and ape I am the ruler of man and ape. Everybody sing!

Cosmo: [as Vader] Girls dig this cape! [holds up cape]

Principal Waxelplax: Crocker, what's this fork doing in my fanny?
Crocker: It's, uh, Cupid's fork of love. I love you!
Principal Waxelplax: How surprising... and unwanted.

Sanjay: My goodness, this muffin, it sparkles like the dew on the back of the cobra.

8-year old Timmy: [about Vicky] Did anyone else notice the lightning?

Cosmo: I don't wanna go away forever!

Wanda: We brought gifts!
Cosmo: We brought pals!
Wanda: I brought guys!
Cosmo: I brought cows!
Timmy: But just what the heck did I do?
Cosmo: [to Wanda] You brought guys?

Cosmo: Hey, did somebody die?

Mom: I bet we can go through every single one of these tapes and not find even ONE little white lie! [pops tape into VCR]
Mom and Dad: [to Timmy, on tape] The Stork!
Dad: Oh well.

Dad: Timmy! The school vine is here.

Muffin Guy: It's Muffin Monday!
A.J.: [with monkey] Oh. I thought it was monkey monday!
Chester: Aw man! Then what am I gonna do with this thing!? [holds up muffler]

Crocker: [before being beaten up twice] Oh, poopie.

Cosmo: Let's get this party started!

Crocker: Fairies! They're here! I can prove it![laughing crazy until he is injected by Cosmo, causing him to scream and pass asleep.]

[Timmy, Wanda, and Cosmo appear] Cosmo: Night night crazy guy! [All three laugh] [Crocker][asleep]: Mommy.

From the DVD commentary

Wanda: [about Jar Jar Binks] He's the guy from that movie that everybody hated!

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