Mr. Crocker: [scanning the flying muffins] Oat... wheat... [two muffins fly into his face] POPPY SEED!
Jorgen: What was I going to do next?
Cosmo: Uh, scramble the fairies?
Jorgen: Yes! I like to scramble the fairies! [Jorgen leaves in a large explosion]
Wanda: When are you gonna let me go?
Crocker: Hmm, what's today?
Crocker: Wednesday... Thursday... NEVER! [laughs]
Timmy: I'll never bow down to you, Crocker! I don't care how powerful you are, you're still a second-rate elementary school teacher. And shrimp puffs reek!
Crocker: Hmm, what would an angry dictator say right now?
Wanda: I'm gonna let the fairy go?
Crocker: No! Good try though, I respect that. He'd say SILENCE!
(Fires a magic blast at Timmy)
Timmy: Chimpsdale?! [sighs] When this is over, I'm wishing for a world without puns.
Crocker: Students, this is a math problem. But in a world where magic and fairies exist, who cares? Math means nothing! A fairy can make two plus two equal fish. (draws fish on the board and twitches crazily to students)
Dad: [after being freed from Crocker's prison bubble] Timmy! Normally I don't like the chain look, but you pull it off quite nicely!
Monkey #1: So I heard, He gave him a Banana Ring!
Monkey #2 and 3: NO!
Monkey #1: And guess what? IT TOOK 3 WHOLE BUNCHS!
Monkey #2 and 3: OHHHH! (start speaking monkey) Ho ho ho!
Crocker: Hey, Turner, if the ape overlords haven't dissected you by Friday, you wanna come to my fancy dinner party? I'm serving shrimp puffs!
Timmy: Shrimp puffs are gross!
Crocker: [in cage] Ah, a muffin! [grabs a feeding chart on the wall] Hmm, I'm not scheduled to eat until March. I better save this...
Ape #1: Hey, did you read the daily banana?
Ape #2: Yeah, Banana stocks are up.
Ape #1: That's bananatastic!
Cosmo: I like the species that throws their own feces!
Muffin Man: (singing) Muffin. Muffin. How about a muffin.
Crocker: MUFFIN! MUFFIN! MUFFIN!
Jorgen: Something has interrupted my very muscular bath! What in the name of bulging triceps is going on?!
Crocker: Children, I have big news! I'm quitting teaching-
Crocker: [annoyed] I'm quitting teaching... to be ruler of the universe!
Timmy: [referring to his Mom and Dad] Man, I wish they didn't lie to me. [Cosmo and Wanda grant wish]
Wanda: Oh, uh, did we just make it so Timmy's parents couldn't lie to him?
Cosmo: Yep. [pauses for a second] You've gained weight.
Wanda: Ya know, we can still lie to each other.
Cosmo: Yeah, I know.
Kids: AHHH! Spinach! (The kids run away from Crocker's van now disguised as a truck full of spinach)
Crocker: Excellent! (Before Crocker can make a move a bunch of sailors are shown at the left side of the disguised van)
Sailors: Ahoy! Spinach!
Timmy: [whispering] Mustn't move. Mustn't make a sound.
Cosmo: [appears and yells into a mega phone] Hi, Timmy! Got your hand!
Crocker: Um, it's Cupid's fork.. of love! I love you!
Principal Waxelplax: Ooo, well... this is so sudden and... unwanted.
Sanjay: My goodness, this muffin, it sparkles like the dew on the back of the cobra.
8-year old Timmy: [about Vicky] Did anyone else notice the lightning?
Cosmo: I don't wanna go away forever!
Wanda: We brought gifts!
Cosmo: We brought pals!
Wanda: I brought guys!
Cosmo: I brought cows!
Timmy: But just what the heck did I do?
Cosmo: [to Wanda] You brought guys?
Cosmo: Hey, did somebody die?
Jorgen: STOP! Rule-free wish or not, you almost destroyed the world. And you've revealed the existence of your fairy godparents! Your fairies must come to Fairy World with me at once! And this time they will be reassigned to a more trustworthy child. Any last words, puny earth-boy?
Timmy: Think fast! [throws the forget-me knob at Jorgen]
Mom: I bet there's not a single lie recorded on any of these tapes. [pops tape into VCR]
Mom and Dad: [to Timmy, on tape] The stork!
Dad: Wow, that was quick!
Dad: Timmy! The school vine is here.
Muffin Guy: Ah, right! It's Muffin Monday!
A.J.: [with monkey] I thought it was Monkey Monday!
Chester: Gah, great. [holds up muffler] What am I supposed to do with this?!
Crocker: [before being beaten up twice] Oh, poopie.